Kathrin's Blog - for blog with images: https://kathrinlake.wordpress.com/

Tango Lesson 3 – Getting the Cross – I am a Horse

Last night was lesson number three and amazingly E and I are still being told we are Tango naturals. My LSE self (low self esteem self) has a sense of doom and tells me this cannot last, and at some point we are in for a great crash. Being one of those people who in gym class was always picked near last by team captains, I still have it in my head that I am uncoordinated. I face the fear of being found out every time I go to a dance class. My HSE self (figure it out) however, says, enjoy it, and enjoy the dance itself.  So I try to focus on that.

But the truth is, I attribute much of our progress to our teacher, Gabriela Peters, who says,

“I’m not lying, you both pick up very fast.” She shouts across the room to the beyond beginners filing in, “Look at what they do after three lessons!”

I’m blushing. Please don’t build us up so much, Gabriela. We are getting semi private lessons which progresses a person much faster.

When I dance with Gabriela (all dance teachers must be able to lead and follow) she is a fabulous leader, but when I go to one of the men helping us I am less confident. Everyone has a different style of leading and the physical cues are not always the same or as clear. You must surrender to your partner’s style. Mental note: try to include this skill in my relationship with Jim. It also reminds me of horseback riding. No one can see the subtle cues that the rider gives to the horse to make it spring into a canter. In this case, I am the horse, and it is not the cue for a canter but the cue for a “cross.”

The “cross” belongs to the women and looks so classy and clever that it makes any woman into an instant goddess. It really makes the tango the tango. But the man must lead the cross. Gabriela shows me that when she is directly in front of me I will be lead into a cross, but slightly to the side and I cannot cross. However, with other partners I find it less obvious of when I cross and when I am just supposed to walk.  I get it right at least 75% of the time. When I misstep Gabriela makes a sound, “chh,chh,chh” that tells me I am not crossing when I should. It again reminds me of the clucking or verbal sounds a rider does to help their mount get their cues when they are less competent.

This also reminds me of another horse/human parallel. Dressage horses, the dancers of the equine world, reach their peak at 10, 11 or 12 years of age after intense training, and live to a ripe old age of 24 to 30.  Race horses, however, have finished their careers in year four and are often dead by the age of 12.  Likewise, they say that couples who do partner dancing are far, far, less likely to develop dementia as they age or Alzheimer’s. They also live longer, and are generally healthier.  Alzheimer’s runs in the female side of my family, and I’m terribly afraid of developing it; another reason for me to continue facing the fear every week.

Gabriela tells me that E does even better at getting the cross and is “very coordinated.” I agree.  With her Spanish-like dark looks, and long lean body, she looks stunning as she dances.

Tonight E and I were lead through an entire piece of tango music from basic steps, walks, crosses, both forward and backwards ochos, and another move which I don’t yet have the spelling for.  We are truly dancing. For the joy of that, I am happy.

Second Tango Lesson

Before my BF, “E” and I went for our second Tango lesson with Gabriela I watch Jim at his beyond beginner’s class.  I jot things down as I watch and the music of the tango seeps into my pen.  The tango couples seem more eloquent than I can live up to with mere words.  I am amazed at Jim’s progress and delighted (not jealous). I want to keep watching him dance with his dance partner. I just like being on the sidelines watching two pairs of legs in tandem. I did foolishly think that he may not be able to learn tango, but watching now I see that this is always his passion. Also, the music is part of the essential equation that I forgot to factor in.  It makes all things possible.  Even if you don’t love tango music you cannot help but be drawn into it. The dancers play a chess game. If I move like this, you move like that, but if I move like this, what possibilities will you give me? It’s a taunting, tantalizing bid to outdazzle each other and see who will crack first under the intensity, but neither ever do, or if one does they both lose, so they must not, for this is not a win-lose game, this is a dance and oh what a dance!

Gabriela corrects Jim in what I thought was a fluid motion.  He is bouncing in his quick step apparently. Though from the sidelines tango appears elegant and romantic, like our domestic life can be all maintenance, and both take practice and communication to perfect.  But when it works, it far transcends even the most blissful parts of our domestic lives.  It is that old saying of dance being a vertical expression of a horizontal desire. Doubly so for tango. When I first met Jim he had an expression he readily shared, “if you can’t dance, there is no chance for romance.”

When E and I get started with Gabriela we start as all classes start, with the walking. Dramatic dragging of feet is intentionally alluring not lazy. Gabriela shouts to us,

“Your feet must make love to the floor.  That is the tango.”

She is impressed with our progress through the basic steps and decides to show us the Ocho.  “If you do not have your Ocho, you have learned nothing,” she says. In Spanish I know that Ocho means “eight” and indeed Ochos are figure eight like moves.  E and I pick up fast Gabriela says and we are finally given our first male dance partners to test our ability to follow a lead and practice.  This is always the fascinating challenge of couples dancing.  It is especially terrific practice for strong, independent women to learn to listen (with the body) and to not take charge. It is a great metaphor for communication that we don’t really always practice at home, but the principal outcome is the same, if you listen everything goes smoothly. But Ochos allow the woman to speak the language of seduction.  Gabriela is very impressed and my male partner who I have just met tonight asks me how long I have been dancing. When I tell him this is my second tango lesson he says, “Wow.”  My ego soars with this one syllable compliment. E and I sail out of our class thinking we are tango prodigies, but I also know better having taken other lessons.  There will be struggles. I also later realize that the thing that I found so soothing and suited to me about the tango was the slow, alluring pace.  So much less frantic than swing music. The music stays with me for hours after. I think I’m hooked.

Tango, Seriously?

Okay, like many people I did read Tim Ferriss's Book The 4-Hour Workweek; who wouldn't with a title like that. This man competed internationally and won kickboxing championships (sort of in a sneaky way though), set a GWB record  for number of tango spins in a minute, and was the first American to compete in Tango in Argentina where they grow up learning it , all the while being a successful entrepreneur. Talk about live the life!

But what about the rest of us, you might say. I guess there is that old Nike slogan Just Do It, but I've never trusted it, so how about the universal spousal slogan Just Drag Them Into It. Most of the time you would see the husbands being dragged into dance lessons, but in my case I am hitched to a dancing fool. It is his passion. He dragged me into swing dancing which is a great deal of fun. But in the past year he has turned his rampant hunger for dance to the Tango. For those of you who don't know, this is one of the hardest couples dances to master because of its precision. It hardly looks like, or feels like, the loose fun of swing dancing. 

 Frankly, I was secretly hoping he would find it too challenging and give up. But he didn't, he found a fantastic Argentinian-Canadian Tango teacher, Gabriela, in Vancouver, who just won a legacy award for keeping culture alive.  Suddenly, I noticed whenever we were swing dancing in a closed dance position he was wrapping his arm all the way around my back in the if-I got-any-closer-to-you-I'd-be-behind-you Tango embrace.  I was not so sure I liked the idea that he was learning this dance with other women.  He dragged me to a few workshops and as I suspected I would have to break many of my swing dance habits to learn this dance.

Finally I yieled and signed up with Gabriella last week. Gabriella, the woman who on first meeting calls me "Kathrin, my darling" and continues to. She says not to worry "if you have two left feet, I will turn one into a right." I had to sign up to beginnner classes naturally, and Jim is in beyond beginner (that tells you how hard it is if you can't even go from beginner to intermediate, after a year you just get bumped to beyond beginner). Therefore I was to face beginning alone! Or was I? There is that old slogan, Just Drag Them Into It, and so last week I persuaded my best friend to start Tango with me. It is the cycle of dragging them into it perpetuated. So, I will continue to blog my progress, my partner's, and my best friend's in this tango line we have created. I don't expect to be doing interantional competions any time soon, or ever, although Jim is already talking about going to Buenos Aires one day. I guess the point is that sometimes it is good to be dragged into things, and sometimes it is okay to drag others into things (for your own scaredy cat reasons). We do learn, grow and discover this way.  Or you can just watch people on TV or read books about them. Your choice.

Boot Camp for Self Esteem

I hate work-outs. I suspect that it is because they have the word “work” in them. I do prefer fun-outs, like going out dancing every week, but that is another story. Lately, my sister and I have been going to boot camps. While I am dragging myself along, sweat dripping down my nose, heart pumping to an uncomfortable ache, joints protesting that they are too old for this, I am thinking why are we all doing this? The boot camp instructor has 25 minions doing as he yells. I think to myself, he is not asking me to do anything I couldn’t do myself. But would I? Would I push myself if someone wasn’t on me? Okay, I could, but only so far. It is only by being in a group, by being pushed and watched, that no one wants to wimp out first.

So how does this apply to self esteem?  I am the woman who says that self esteem is like physical fitness, we have to maintain it. The reward for those that do is greater satisfaction in life no matter what happens to them. As Confucius said, “Respect yourself and others will respect you.”  The self esteem you build will have you looking hot in your proverbial self esteem bikini, and attracting all the people and things you want. It works!  Better than The Secret.

So why not a Self Esteem Boot Camp where we are pushed to love ourselves unconditionally?  To focus on all our positive attributes and strengths we have to offer?  I would say I have found this boot camp in coaching, and personal development workshops.  Also, you can find it in excellent reading and exercises that you can do on your own – sure no one’s pushing you, but you are always the one who has to make the choice to get on your self esteem work-out gear and keep that self-love in shape! Read a book, listen to a cd, book a coaching session, sign up for a personal development workshop or go to a meetup group today and give your self esteem a work-out… regularly. 

Why are stories so important to us?

Stories are important to us because, whether they are fiction or non-fiction, we use them to make meaning of our lives.  We have often been told how powerful it is for individuals to write down their goals.  And those that do have a much higher chance of accomplishing those goals.  I would suggest that a story is more powerful than a list of goals because it has a beginning, a middle, and an end.  It has a step-by-step flow to it, just as life itself does. All stories have obstacles or challenges and either triumphs or defeats. If there are defeats, there are often morals or learning that can be extracted.

When we write our own stories we create our own mythologies.  These are very powerful.  If the story you have is that you never catch any breaks, indeed, you are much more likely to attract that in your life, and, everyone else will also think of you as the unlucky one.  However, if even in your defeats, you find lessons that help you go forward, or opportunities for change, you will more likely create a life that takes advantage of those opportunities or puts those lessons to good use; a life that others can admire.

As a listener or reader of a story, we are much more likely to feel what we describe as inspiration. People do not feel inspired when given a list of tasks or goals, or told what to do.  They need a story to go with the goals, something that takes them into the future.  And, they want to know about stories from the past because they need the reassurance that others have experienced the same set-backs yet have triumphed.