Listening and Speaking Up

How Much Do You Say?

Some people would say I have a big mouth. Others would say I have the courage to speak up. Still others would remind us we have two ears and only one mouth for a reason. The important acts of listening and speaking up.

Listening

For myself, and most of us, the challenge is in true listening. Even if you we not speaking in a dialogue, it does not necessarily mean we are truly listening to what others are saying, often we are thinking, perhaps about what we are going to say, or about how much we disagree, or some other thought. True listening is like true love. Unlike the myths we want to believe, neither true love, nor true listening just happens on their own. To debunk the myth, it takes focus, work and a persistent recommitment to practice your listening skills. And coincidentally is one of the skills you need to work towards true love. Given how much gain it has, this is a reminder to refocus on what others are saying and to truly listen to them.

Speaking Up

I am calling this “speaking up,” instead of simply “speaking” because there are small epidemics in organizations and relationships of all kinds of not speaking up, or “not making waves” or passive aggressive behavior which can be very destructive. Often we do not speak up because we do not want the responsibility attached to speaking up or speaking out. It is easier to blend in, or bury it, than to start something that may be perceived as conflict. Or, if you speak up about an idea, are you now going to be the spearhead and take on more responsibility? Sometimes we speak out to everyone but the person we should speak out to, and it becomes a passive aggressive behaviour. Given all of these reasons or tactics, it’s a wonder people speak up at all.

Yet, speaking up, when it matters, is something we want to practice, and find the courage to do. Why? Because it can be for everyone’s benefit. It can have great integrity. And, there can be rewards. I am very grateful to the individuals who spoke out about the lack of regulations and the problems they saw well in advance of the current financial crisis. They took a great deal of heat amidst the tide of greed to say what they saw coming. But they have been vilified and are now listened to as if they have crystal balls to the future. What they really did is speak their truth clearly and honestly. In personal relationships, if you are hanging on to resentment instead of speaking up, are you doing the relationship a disservice? Is it heading for its own crash? How much does it matter? It may be worthwhile to work with someone on how to bring a new idea or a contentious issue forward, rather than bury it. How to get an idea promoted or accepted, rather than complaining to others. When to focus on speaking about your feelings rather than accusations. And how to focus on the common ground or the benefits to all, rather than a personal agenda. I admire all people who take the courage to do this, and to endure possible push back. If they can truly say it comes from a place of integrity, and are also practicing good communication skills, these are the leaders of the future. I am putting on my website Reading List links to two more books:

Put The Moose on the Table: lessons in leadership from a CEO's journey through business and life by Todd and Randall Tobias

The Joy of Conflict Resolution: transforming victims, villains and heroes in the workplace and at home by Gary Harper

Happy Listening and Speaking Up (and reading) All!