The Lay-off Brush-off

June 9, 2009

Even though I knew there was a strong possibility it could happen, when I was laid off in 2001 with the dot com crash, I spontaneously burst into tears when my boss told me. There were so many struggles going on in my life at that time: my boyfriend had just broken up with me, my friend went in the hospital, my grandmother who I was very close to had died, my roommate had left me high and dry… all within a span of three weeks. It was all very overwhelming. I was in survival. But I was stronger than I thought. When I told a friend how insecure I felt, he told me that I was one of the most secure people he knew. I said, “What do you mean?” He said, “You don't identify yourself solely by what you do.” He explained when he was laid off in the recession of the 80's he was completely crippled because he had identified what he did with who he was. It was a long process of building his self-esteem back. I think I knew what my friend had been saying, though I had not, until that time, realized that all my inner searching and strengthening had actually built a strong enough identity and self-esteem that others saw that I could well survive this.

So, when I was laid off again this year for the recession (a hazard for internal HR people, trainers and coaches), did things go differently? Once again, though I had been expecting it, it is always a shock when it happens. True, it was not surrounded by other tragedies this time, but I certainly did not burst into tears. This was an opportunity and I knew it! Financially, I was in a good position (better than ever) because I had planned for it and had transferred all my investments into cash before the crash thanks to my financial advisor (my trusted aunt!) and my own experience from the dot com days. Time to put my part-time ambitions that I had already started on marketing a book, workshops and coaching, and put that into full time action. Yet this is also the time to give myself some reflection time and get to know myself again, breathe and refocus. Transitions often start out as feeling chaotic. That’s normal. All routine has been ripped asunder and it is time to create it yourself. Not easy if you are not used to it.

You may have been laid off too, but have no intention of going out on your own, but you still have a job search ahead and rebuilding of your self-esteem. You may want to refocus and reflect using books, coaching or by using many other internal and external resources (I give sliding scale for coaching to individuals in transition).

Or, you may not have been laid off but are surrounded by people who are being laid off. Psychologically, you need to know what to do for yourself and for them. You need to know how to walk with dignity. When a person gets laid off they can experience what I call the Lay-off Brush Off. In a bat of an eye, laid off employees make their former co-workers nervous and uncomfortable. No one knows the right thing to say? People you thought were your friends draw back. Yesterday you were laughing and joking with them, and today you are a social misfit. Here are some thoughts to what to say to others and to yourself:

Do’s and Don’ts of What to Say when a Co-worker is Laid-off:

 

Do not tell them things that sound like they are the object of pity, embarrassment, fear, shame or an object for your guilt (as a survivor) such as:

I’m sooo sorry.

I’m sure you’ll find something?

I kind of knew something was coming down but I couldn’t tell you.

I will call you / e-mail you. (and then never do)

I feel sooo bad for you.

 

Do tell them:

They can hold their head high – they have done a great job.

You are happy to give them a reference as a co-worker.

Ask for their personal e-mail (but be sure to follow up with a short quick note to say how much you appreciated them).

Tell them how much harder it is going to be to get by without their contributions (be specific about the contributions, if it is their jokes, as well as their work contributions, if they inspired or helped you, etc.).

Wish them well and tell them you will support them in any way you can

Tell them what a great human being they are

Tell them that you think management underestimated their contributions (if you believe that)

Tell them that you sort of envy them for having the time off

 

If you have been laid-off these are lies to avoid telling yourself:

I’m a failure.

Everyone has abandoned me.

I’m going to die.

I’m never going to recover.

I don’t know how I am ever going to make it.

My spouse / partner or friends must be ashamed of me.

 

If you have been laid-off, what you need to tell yourself and others:

I’m proud of the work I did.

I can see some opportunities in this.

I am choosing faith over fear.

When one door closes, another opens.

I think I will take some reflection and relaxation time.

I am not alone.

I have the opportunity to go back to school (or other things).

I will surround myself with supportive people.

I’m a good person.

I love myself.

I choose to adapt myself, not doubt myself.

I will figure it out, I will find help.

I am going to keep positive.

I am in transition.